During my graduate studies, we learned how the Gottman Method can be very useful when treating couples. Dr’s. John and Julie Gottman conducted 40 years of extensive research to determine the four major predictors of divorce. They call this “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” In my experience, every couple I work with and have worked with illustrate at least 2 out of the 4 predictors of divorce in session. These 4 predictors of divorce are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Criticism

Criticism is a personal attack on our partner. It is harsh and blaming. This is the most common predictor in couples because criticism is a natural human behavior for people to seek an explanation for their negative feelings. These negative feelings can lead to resentment towards our partner, especially if we keep this bottled in. When our partner is criticized, they may feel rejected, hurt, or assaulted.

Examples: “You always stick up for your mother.”

“You never support me.”

“Why can’t you be more like your brother.”

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a direct response to criticism. This signals a response to your partner that you are not hearing or understanding them. We are more likely to be defensive if criticism is present in one or both partners. If you are becoming defensive without criticism, it is important to look inward and understand what is making you have to defend yourself in this moment? If we are always on the defense, your partner will never feel heard and neither will you.

Example: “I was just too busy today! Why don’t you do it? You know how busy I am.”

Contempt

Contempt is the most destructive negative behavior and it is the number one predictor of divorce among the four horsemen. Contempt is when you are purposefully hurtful to your partner. There is name calling, mocking, eyerolling, sneering, sarcasm, hostile humor, and bullying present. This is telling your partner I am better than you and you are lesser than me.

Examples: “You are such an idiot.”

“How could I be with someone so stupid?”

“You act like a child.”

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the opposite of the rest of the 3 horsemen. Stonewalling is when one partner or both partners become radio silent. This partner becomes flooded and shuts down. When this is present in session, this is a big indicator that this partner is reluctant to engaging with their partner and is resistant in repairing the relationship. This predictor is challenging to work with because at this point the partner may be checked out of the relationship. I would rather see my couples fighting ineffectively because to me it shows that they care. If they did not care they would not have any emotional reactivity to their partner whether positive or negative.

 

 These 4 predictors of divorce do NOT have to end in divorce. Every couple argues, but how do you argue in a healthy way? How do we talk to our partner when we do not agree with them? When we are so frustrated and angry in the moment, it is so easy to fall back into these unhealthy patterns of conflict with our partner. This can damage your relationship and decrease trust over time. If you want to learn to navigate conflict in a healthy way, we have to use the antidotes to the ‘four horsemen’ to create effective communication.

*Antidotes*

-        Criticism —> Gentle Start-up

How do we complain without blame? You need to focus on the specific behavior instead of attacking. The problem is the problem, not your partner. What is it that you need and/or feel? Avoid starting the sentence with “you” as this leads to blaming. Try starting the statement with “I”. By using “I” statements, you are talking about your feelings and needs. There is no blame or criticism, which does not create the argument to escalating and lead your partner to becoming defensive.

“When __________ blank happens I feel ________ because ________________.”

Example: “I am feeling unsupported after the interaction with your mother and I need support from my husband to know you are there for me in these moments.”

-        Defensiveness —> Take Responsibility

Defensiveness is self-protection used to ward off a perceived attack. It is a way of blaming your partner, saying the issue isn’t you, it’s them. This does not resolve the problem, however it fuels the fire. You need to take responsibility. It is a “we” problem not a “you” problem. If one partner is not ok then both of you are not ok. The art of compromise is so important here.

Example: “I do not like being late, but I can be a little more flexible since we usually arrive early to our destination.”

-        Contempt —> Build a Culture of Appreciation and Respect

You need to be able to build respect in your relationship. To create positive perspective in your relationship you need to express gratitude, appreciation, affection, and respect towards your partner. Look at what your partner does do and less focus on what they don’t do. The more positive you feel, the less likely you will show contempt.

Example: “I understand you have been very busy this week, but I would really appreciate it if could you please remember to take out the garbage when you leave for work.”

This antidote expresses immediate understanding that their partner’s forgetfulness is not personal and they are not doing it maliciously, but it is that they have had a busy week. It is a respectful request adding appreciation other than putting down your partner.

 

-        Stonewalling —> Physiological Self-Soothing

When one stonewalls, they completely disengage due to feeling under emotional pressure. This increases heart rate, releases stress hormones into the bloodstream in which this can trigger a fight-or-flight response. You need to TAKE A BREAK. Call a time out and come back to the conversation at a later time. If we do not do this, we will end up bottling our emotions and will end up exploding on our partner. The break needs to be at least 20 minutes because this is the time it takes for your body to physiologically calm down. Spend this time soothing and distracting yourself like listening to music, reading, or exercising.

Example: “I am feeling overwhelmed right now and need to take a break. Can we come back to this conversation in 20 minutes after I take a walk?”

 

Now that you know what the Four Horsemen are and their antidotes, lets put these skills to good use! These are the tools to manage conflict in a healthy way. If you are interested in learning more about The Gottman Institute, the website link is below:

The Gottman Institute | A research-based approach to relationships