I facilitate a weekly divorce support group and when I have asked the members, “What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think of divorce?”, 99.9% of the time they respond with the word failure. Five weeks into the group, I asked the members the same question, “What is the first word that comes to your mind when you think of divorce?” Their responses were now different. Some words they have used are ‘liberating, freeing, independence, confidence, etc.’ the list goes on and on. It is interesting because these words are all antonyms of the word ‘failure’. You may ask, “How did they get to that place?” Well, let’s find out.

          Divorce is a very difficult transition and has a significant impact on one’s life and emotional well-being. According to the Life Change Index Scale (The Stress Test), divorce scores at #2 on that list. Divorce is considered a loss and as we know, going through any type of loss whether it be the loss of a loved one, pet, relationship, friendship, job etc. it creates a huge shift in our lives and may be challenging to work through and process. This however does NOT mean YOU ARE a failure. I emphasize this because according to Webster’s dictionary, the definition of being a failure is, “lack of success”. It is important to be able to re-frame this as ‘you may FEEL like a failure, but that does not MAKE YOU a failure. You cannot be a ‘lack of success’ but you can feel that way. Feeling and being are two different words. Our feelings can change, but if you are in a state of being, that is not interchangeable.

How can you use other words instead of the word failure to describe your marriage? Reframing is a great tool to utilize because it helps you see things in a different perspective as opposed to only one-way thinking. If you reframed ‘I am a failure’ to ‘my marriage did not work out’, this is saying that just because your marriage failed, does not make you overall a failure.

         Being in a marriage does not equate to happiness. Let me repeat that again, BEING IN A MARRIAGE DOES EQUATE TO HAPPINESS. Just because someone is married does not mean someone is happy and just because someone is divorced does not make someone unhappy. Every single one of my group members talk about how if they were still with their partner and did not get divorced, that they would still not be happy. Sometimes you cannot fulfill that happiness within the marriage. So how does that make you a failure if it has a positive outcome? Sometimes going through diffcult transitions make for a more positive outcome.

Now let’s look a little deeper. Just because your marriage did not work out, does not mean that there were not good moments in your marriage. How can you honor the good times in your marriage and still learn from the experience?  You are probably thinking, ‘wow that sounds great, but how do I get to that place?’ Great question! To get there, we have to understand the stages of divorce. There are 4 stages of divorce:

1.     Denial

2.     Conflict

3.     Ambivalence

4.     Acceptance

To work through these stages, we have to be kinder to ourselves and understand that the process of healing is not linear. You can go back and forth from stages 1-3 and that is ok. I want to normalize that. However, to work through this you need to accept reality of the situation, understand what your marriage represented, your responsibility and accountability for the marriage not working out, and the most important thing which is finding out who you are as an individual. Your self-esteem, self-worth, and the things you want in life are so important to explore on this journey.

Now I want to ask yourself these questions:

1.     What will I cherish from this relationship?

2.     What did I learn?

3.     How did I change as a result of this experience?

4.     What do I need to mourn?

5.     What do I need in order to heal?

6.     What do I need in order to have closure?

7.     If any, what pattern am I noticing?

8.     How will my boundaries change with my ex partner?

9.     How do I feel about myself as a consequence of what has happened?

After asking yourself these questions, it diminishes those feelings of feeling like a failure. It helps work on changing your mind set from ‘I am a failure’ to ‘what have I learned from this relationship and what are the next steps that are necessary for me to grow?’ If you are going through a divorce, I highly recommending reaching out for support during this time. Whether it be friends, family, therapy, or a support group, it is important to have that support during this time. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process.