Argue Like A Scientist NOT Like A Lawyer

Most couples argue like lawyers, when they really need to be arguing like scientists. To help reduce relationship conflict you want to argue like a scientist.

Couples who argue like lawyers are trying to prove a point. Their goal is to win a case and protect their ego. However, strong couples argue like scientists because they are curious about what is happening for them and their partner. They are more focused on what is underneath rather than the surface. Over 70% of relationship conflicts stem from unmet emotional needs and not the actual conflict being discussed. This is outlined in Imago Therapy (specifically unmet needs we did not get in childhood). You want to argue to learn not to win so that you can turn the conflict into data. You can work with this “data” or information about your partner to process and reflect on rather than it being a competition to cross examine and prove your point to survive.

When you argue like a lawyer, it leaves both parties feeling unheard and even more frustrated. So next time you and your partner are arguing, think about arguing like a scientist. “Collect your data” by listening to your partner and gathering all information. You will later use that information to understand each other’s unmet needs. Take turns being the speaker and the listener and verifying what your partner said to make sure you understood them correctly. If you find yourself or your partner getting frustrated take a break and schedule a time to come back to the conversation once you feel calmer. Remember this and you and your partner will be set up for success when your come across an argument.