Where Do We Go From Here ? [Discernment Counseling]
Most people (including therapists) are not familiar with Discernment Counseling. This type of counseling is not common but should be recognized more by therapists and clients. When conducting our phone screenings with potential clients, I would say a large percentage of our inquiries that come in through the practice would benefit more so from Discernment Counseling rather than couple’s therapy. Most couple’s reach out for couple’s therapy but maybe one or both partners’ are not ready to work on the relationship or they are unsure if they want to stay together. Discernment Counseling helps couples see whether couple’s therapy is the right fit for them before diving into the process of couple’s therapy. What is discernment counseling you may ask? Don’t worry, we got you covered! This post will help you understand what is discernment counseling, the structure of the sessions, and how it differs from couple’s therapy.
Discernment Counseling is a short-term type of counseling that is between 1-5 sessions. The goal is to gain greater clarity and confidence in the decision about the direction of their marriage/relationship, based on the understanding of what has happened to their marriage/relationship and each partner’s contribution to the problems. This type of counseling is constructed to not solve marital/relationship problems but to see whether they can be solved. It is not about immediate change or any change at all in your relationship. It is about seeing what changes each of you might need to make in the future if you decide to work on yourselves and your relationship. Clinicians use a “restraint from change” approach, reminding the couple that relationship change should not be expected during the process of discernment counseling.
Difference Between Discernment Counseling and Couples Therapy
-Couples Therapy:
o Clinician sometimes gives homework assignments for the couple
o Teaching of skills and coping mechanisms
o Exploring deeper ways to connect
o Committing to meet every week or every other week for an extended period of time
o Mostly always together as a couple in session
o 45-50 minute sessions
o Change is expected to occur
-Discernment Counseling:
o No relationship homework for the couple
o No teaching of skills during sessions
o No enactments of deeper ways to connect
o Only commit to one session at a time
o Therapist meets with couple together and individually in each session
o 90 min- 2 hour sessions
o No change expected to occur
Paths
The couple has 1-5 sessions to choose which path is the most appropriate for them.
Path 1 “the status quo”- Leaving the relationship as is. The couple does not decide to divorce/break up nor working in therapy to improve their relationship
Path 2- The couple chooses to break up, separate, or divorce.
Path 3- The couple chooses to commit to 6 months of couples therapy and sometimes other forms of help such as substance abuse counseling, parenting classes, or individual therapy. During this time, divorce/breaking up is off the table and with the possibility of exploring divorce/breaking up as an option at the end of the 6 months. This path involves each partner developing a personal agenda for change on the basis of a deeper understanding of what has happened to the relationship and his/her roles in the problems.
Structure
Couple meets together —> Individual time with one partner —> Share summary with partner —> Individual time with the other partner —> Share summary with partner —> Couple together
The first session is 2 hours and the remainder of sessions are 90 minutes. The session begins with the couple and therapist all together. The therapist then asks the couple a list of questions and the couple just listens to each other’s perspectives. The therapist then meets with each person individually for about 30 minutes each. The session then ends with the couple and therapist together for a summary of the work that was done that day and any impressions the therapist has to share. If both parties agree, the second discernment counseling session is then scheduled. The middle sessions are similar to the first session, however the time together in the beginning is much briefer and the sessions consist of about 90 minutes.
*If you are interested in discernment counseling and you feel that you and your partner would benefit from this type of counseling, please do not hesitate to reach out to us. We have a few wonderful clinicians in the practice that can work with you and help you and your partner gain the clarity and confidence about the next step in your relationship. *
