Your Mask Comes First
After you read the title, you think “Oh no, not another post about COVID-19.” Do not worry! This blog post is not about COVID-19. However, it is about self-care. One of my favorite analogies is relating self-care to a flight attendant’s instructions. If you have been on an airplane, you know the flight attendance discusses safety procedures before the plane departs. One of the safety measures they announce is in the event of decompression, the oxygen mask will drop from the overhead compartment in which you will put your mask on first and if traveling with a child help them put on their mask AFTER you put on yours. Now if you see your child struggling to breathe, the last thing you are going to do is put your mask on first. But how are you going to help your child put on their mask if you cannot breathe?
It is a parents’ instinct to take care of their child. When having a child, most parents put the child’s needs before their own. I mean don’t you have to? When you have a baby, your baby becomes your life. It takes up all your time and energy because they are unable to take care of themselves. This life cycle stage in a parent’s, especially new parent’s life is a difficult transition. Sometimes we get lost in this transition and we lose a part of our identity. In our new role as a mother or father, we forget that we can also wear many hats. As a parent it is important to not lose your individuality, interests, hobbies, and relationships. That does not make you a selfish parent, but a better parent.
Now you are thinking, how does a flight attendant’s safety instructions relate to self-care? Well, you see… if we are not taking care of ourselves, we cannot take care of anyone else. This can relate to being a parent as well as in our intimate relationships. In a relationship, we often think that we need a partner to ‘complete me’ and feel whole. If we continue to believe and have the expectation that our partner needs to fulfill this, we will continue to feel let down. A partner is supposed to add to our happiness, not be the sole provider of it. Your autonomy will create a happy and healthy relationship. If we leave the responsibility to others to create our own happiness, we lose that autonomy. To fulfill this, you need to know what makes YOU happy? What are some things YOU enjoy for YOURSELF? We need to be able to authentically show up for ourselves so we can add value and independence to the relationship. This may be difficult for some people who were raised in a codependent environment or have been in codependent relationships. When we can stop seeking the approval and validation from others, we are able to become the best versions of ourselves.
As a parent, we are told that our child always comes first and, in most cases, they need to be a priority. However, when we neglect our own needs, we do not realize this is doing more harm than good. You always see it with new parents. I have so many couples reach out to me saying that having a baby changed their relationship. Of course, having a baby is going to change your life and relationship, but how do we adapt and adjust to those changes without neglecting ourselves or the relationship? Looking from a structural family therapy perspective, the couple/parents are always at the top of the hierarchical structure and the children below them. Unfortunately, a lot of the times it is mom/dad and baby at the top and the other partner at the bottom or vice versa. There has been a huge shift in the relationship dynamic here. You cannot neglect your own needs and the needs of the relationship. This is what leads to high stress, conflict, and the worst of all which is resentment. We begin to resent our partner or become angry with ourselves and maybe take it out on our partner. It may also begin to affect your work and other relationships around you.
If you feel like this may be you in your marriage, relationship, etc. do yourself a favor and go get that massage, get your hair done, nails done, go to the gym, go exercise, take a bath, read a book, have a night out. These acts are not selfish, they are self-care. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. You will feel better and your relationship with your child, partner, etc. will thrive. Taking care of ourselves creates healthier bonds and attachment. What are you waiting for? DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL FULFILLED and if you do not know what that is then that is something you can explore in therapy. If you do not know what makes you happy then let us work on that together. Self-care is the best care you can give yourself and everyone else around you.
