Who Are You?{Differentiation of Self}
Who Am I? Jeez… well, that is a loaded question. If someone asked you the question, “Who are you?”, what might you say? A lot of us may go completely blank or maybe we have an answer right away and then start to question that answer. When I ask ‘who are you’ I am not asking what is your profession or career because as we know, our job does not define who we are as a person, even though we may spent most of our time working or being a parent (which is a full-time job in itself). When I ask ‘who are you’, it really means how would you describe yourself internally? What are your triggers? What makes you happy? What is important to you? When we know who we are and can understand ourselves, it makes it a lot easier to be able to communicate that in our interpersonal relationships. Who knows you better than you know yourself? And if you’re feeling stuck and having a challenging time answering that question, then lets figure that out together.
What is it?
According to Bowenian theory, the concept ‘differentiation of self’ is the ability to distinguish the difference between your own thoughts and feelings in an emotional relationship system. A differentiated person is able to process and address their thoughts and feelings without them overtaking their decision making or problem solving. They are open to the thoughts and feelings of others without trying to get the other person to agree with them and are able to separate their feelings from someone else’s.
Murray Bowen highlighted two important abilities:
1. The ability to separate one’s feelings from thoughts.
2. The ability to maintain one’s feelings and thoughts in the presence and pressure of close, intimate relationships.
Where Does it Come From?
Our family of origin has a huge impact on our level of differentiation. It is no surprise that most of us learn to entangle our emotions and reactions to those of others. This is what Bowen calls, being in a state of ‘fusion’. In contrast, other people may disengage themselves from others by limiting contact and refrain from intimacy and closeness. This is what Bowen calls, ‘cut off’. Most people display one of these two which makes it very difficult to be able to truly ‘know yourself’ and authentically show up.
How Do You Measure Your Level of Differentiation?
How do we maintain emotional autonomy? Well first, we have to look inward and not outward. This means that we cannot look to others (family, friends, etc.) to define how we look at issues, how we feel about people, and how we interpret experiences. We need to be able to free ourselves and be ok with having different opinions and values while staying emotionally connected to the people that are important to us in our lives. It is also reflecting on a conflict and realizing what is the role we play here and then being able to choose a different response in the future. Your level of differentiation is visible by taking a look at your behaviors.
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Do you always see your partner as the problem?
Do you mostly work on letting go of problems rather than solving them?
Do you let feelings fester until they explode?
Do you feel pulled to match your partner’s emotional state, such as when they’re in anger, crisis, or sadness?
Do you conceal how you really feel about things?
Do you console yourself through substances or other unhelpful methods?
Do you say what you know others want to hear?
Do you talk to your friends about your relationship problems instead of your partner?
Do you have affairs?
Do you lose yourself in your partner?
Do you have sex you no longer want?
Do you agree to things you have no interest in doing?
Do you demand, directly or indirectly, compliments and praise?
Do you seek to control others instead of controlling yourself?
Do you concern yourself with the needs of others but disregard your own?
If you answered ‘yes’ to most of these questions, you may be lacking in self-differentiation. Do not worry, most people have difficulty being able to self-differentiate and that is ok since most people were not taught how to growing up. Below are some ways to improve your level of differentiation.
4 Ways to Improve Your Level of Differentiation
1. Having Willingness to Confront Yourself
People rarely live in a way that makes sense to them. To have a better understanding of yourself and make that next step towards change, ask yourself these questions:
Who do you want to be? What kind of partner, friend, and employee do you want to be? Are you meeting your own standard? How do you want to live your life?
2. Stay the Same with Everyone
Would you rather be approved of for who you aren’t or seen for who you are? Show yourself accurately even when you know it’s hard.
3. Consider Long-Term
Have a willingness to go through short-term pain for long-term growth. Being stuck and staying in the comfort zone of the status quo is the reason why people do not see results. Sometimes we have to get a little uncomfortable to be comfortable and make the changes we want to see within ourselves.
4. Work with a Therapist
Sometimes increasing your level of differentiation can be difficult to do on your own. It can potentially cause more harm than good. Working with a therapist may help you see things from a different perspective, that you were not able to see on your own, as well as learn more about yourself.
5 Characteristics of Someone Who is Differentiated
1. Clear Sense of Self
Someone who is differentiated is able to maintain their attitudes and beliefs when faced pressure to conform, especially to the ‘societal norms’. They do not tailor themselves to respond in a way that is inauthentic to avoid conflict. Instead, they want to be seen accurately by others and be represented for who they really are.
2. Understand Rather Than Agree
A differentiated person prefers to resolve problems rather than letting them build up inside. Even if they do not agree, they will make attempts to help others understand where they are coming from by sharing their thoughts and feelings, despite them being different from others.
3. Self-Validating
Most often, we seek validation from others whether it be how we look, think, live our lives, etc. This leads us to changing who we are to tailor to the person or situation which leaves us ultimately feeling empty and not feeling heard or understand. A differentiated person is able to validate themselves in which they do not need to seek it from others.
4. Ability to Self-Soothe
A differentiated person is able to reduce their anxiety around difficult topics and conversations, conflict, and authenticity without the use of substances, unhealthy coping mechanisms, or relying on their partner to do it for them.
5. Seeing the Light at the End of the Tunnel
To be differentiated, the individual is willing to have short-term discomfort to have the outcome of personal/relationship growth. Being unwilling to do this is what leads to becoming stagnant in their progress.
Why is it Important?
When someone creates the conscious effort to work on their level of differentiation, they begin to experience an increase in confidence, pride in how they handle situations, personal growth, and a balance within themselves. This often results in better interpersonal relationships with our partner, friends, family, and colleagues.
If you feel like you are having difficulty finding your identity and confidence and want to be self-differentiated, this is an area where therapy can be extremely helpful in supporting you and helping you create a differentiated self. To know yourself is how others can know you and you will attract authenticity, like-minded people, and have a sense of autonomy.
